Finding the Spirit of Mother’s Day, Every Day
Speaking from her own experience, our recurring guest writer Margaret King joins us this month for the CCHD’s Mothers Blog series with her advice on relieving stress and finding joy.
Mother’s Day has come and gone with ads selling products designed to give us relaxation and joy – massages, flowers, jewelry, and more. And if those products bring the desired effect, so much the better. I suspect, however, that some – if not many – of us moms would relish the stress-reducers and joy-givers that don’t cost anything at all. A nap. A full night’s sleep. A sparkly-clean house, even if it only stays that way for a day. Homemade breakfast in bed. Maybe lunch and dinner too. Why not go big? Mother’s Day came for you, hopefully, with a bit of permission to relax.
Moments to relax are not just a much needed permission, but absolutely essential for survival and sanity for any caregiver. Sadly, like many other heart parents, I reached a point of crisis in my health before I decided to turn my attitude and life around. If I had known then what I know now … so I’m writing from my learned mistakes to inspire you to reduce your stress, and make every day (or in the least, a few minutes of every day) contain a little bit of the spirit of Mother’s Day.
Let go. Remember this journey is primarily your child’s. If you find yourself feeling like you are living your child’s story instead of your own as a heart parent, take a step back. We are our child’s advocate, but we also need to let our children claim ownership over their own story and empower them to tell it as they get older. Depending on your child’s developmental stage and age, that can mean anything from getting them to recognize their own basic need, like regulating their physical activity levels or carrying a water bottle to stay hydrated on hot days, to becoming responsible for taking their medications and living a healthy lifestyle into adulthood. It means gradually transferring responsibility for their health and attitude over to them.
Remember who you are. Yes, you’re a parent. And not only that, a heart parent. Maybe you have multiple children, maybe you’re dealing with multiple diagnoses, but you’re also an individual. And all people have needs regarding self identity, emotional well-being, and physical health. Just like your child is much more than a diagnosis, you’re much more than a heart parent. Take time for yourself.
Get healthy, stay healthy. Stress can weaken your immune system. Add interrupted sleep, or lack of sleep on top of that, and you’re on a fast-track to getting sick more often. This often results in still more stress and poor sleep, creating a vicious cycle. Eat healthy, get cat naps, exercise, or even try deep breathing or meditation. With a million thoughts going on in our heads simultaneously and endless lists we’re constantly checking, meditation can help you focus on the present, letting your attitude readjust and recalibrate.
Take a break. Sometimes all we can do is … nothing. There are days when we try to control situations that are uncontrollable. We may tell ourselves, “if I take a break, the world will fall apart.” The weight of this statement has tricked most people into near-breakdown and paralyzing fear at it’s breaking point. We’re willing to run ourselves into the ground before admitting that we need help. When it seems too daunting, take one day at a time. Tell yourself, for as long as you need to, that just getting through each day is enough for now. If a day seems too daunting, take it by hour or by minute. On the show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Kimmy says she survived by taking life 10 seconds at a time. You’ll look back someday and realize what a tremendous victory that was, and how far you’ve come!
Unplug. When the going gets rough and you’re feeling the weight of your family’s situation, maybe you don’t need to see your friend’s Facebook photos from their latest trip to Hawai’i. People who are feeling stressed and anxious to begin with are more likely to compare themselves to what they see on social networking sites. And we all know that it’s not a good idea to compare our real lives with other people’s highlight reels. I once heard the advice, “If you’re not even happy with what you have, why would you be happy with more?” I found this to be a profound message. A simple change in perspective has kept me focused much more on the positive.
Find allies who share your situation, but also some who are removed from it. Seek friends and support groups, but stay friends with some of your old tribe, too.This comes with an important caveat: stay friends with those who are positive and supportive, not those who leave you drained and emotionally exhausted. On this journey, you need every ounce of strength and resolve you can muster. You will find out who your real friends are. The ones left standing are the most awesome tribe you could ever ask for–treasure them, and release the ones who can’t be in your life anymore. Wish them well. After all, they’ll need to find new friends, too. Not all of your allies need to be friends or support group members. They don’t need to share your diagnosis at all. Some might be acquaintances, a distant relative or two, a mentor, neighbors. These are people you can count on to always be friendly when you see them, be understanding of your child’s sensory overloads and bad days, and can maybe even pop over and feed the cat for you if you have an unexpected hospital stay. They offer some of the benefits of friendship without the obligations and expectations.
Recognize your limits. Be mindful of your warning signs and pull back before you snap. It’s understandable that sometimes our moods are pushed to the limits. Maybe there’s a substitute teacher who forgot to look at your child’s health plan, your child’s prescription co-pay just went up, and you need to call the hospital billing department about the latest total that doesn’t make sense. So when you pick your child up from school, and a fellow mom whips open her SUV door, whacking your child in the head with it (true story!), you snap. I’ve learned that blowing my top leaves me with nothing but regret, hurt feelings, and damaged relationships. So instead of unleashing a torrent of angry words, thank goodness, I silently herded my sobbing child into the car icily driving away because I had no more polite words left even with the mom’s apologies. On these days were I’m reaching the end of my rope, I take a big step back, take deep breaths and remind myself to remain as calm and pleasant as I possibly can, because it’s just not worth releasing the pressure valve on an unsuspecting neighbor, friend, or hospital employee.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. I fail a lot less, and am more joyful, when I recognize that I am capable of failure. Don’t set yourself up with the pressure of thinking you should, and can, do everything. Think about the people you love, your loved one, a parent, child, good friends, anyone you really care about, and think about how much you long for them to be kind to themselves. Then, extend yourself that same kindness. Give yourself permission. To breathe. To take a step back. To have a cup of tea. To write that memoir or take that kickboxing class. To start that online business or train for that 5K run. To not be perfect. I know you can. Give yourself this gift not just for Mother’s Day, but every day.
Margaret King is a business content writer and mom who loves spending time with her family, avidly reading, community gardening, traveling, and exploring the outdoors. She is currently working on a young adult fiction series and enjoys flash fiction and science fiction writing as well. Margaret has worked in the past teaching English abroad in Nepal and Mongolia, which she counts among the best experiences of her life, along with her heart family journey which she is so happy to share with our readers.